How Rewriting My Story Changed Everything

Do you feel that vague urgency?  That sense of life-imposed limitation?  The feeling that it’s now or never, but you are stuck on where to start or how you even got here?

Perhaps the stories you’ve been told, or those you’ve come to believe, now stand firmly in the way of who you need to become.  Here’s what happened when I realized I have the power to write my own ending.

Childhood memories. Teen angst. The struggles and freedoms of our 20s. The ways we still feel stuck.  They all carry traces of the story we've come to believe about ourselves.

For the first half of my life, the story I believed about myself said I was on my own. 

Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Don't get me wrong, I grew up knowing I was loved. We didn't have much, but we had enough to get by. Inside our walls, I never feared I'd be hit or that we'd be without a home. There was enough security to let me sleep at night. I'll be forever grateful for that. Some of my friends didn't have that security.

I knew I'd always have a place to be, but most of the time I was alone there.

As a GenX kid, I got myself off to school, struggled my way through classes and other kids, came back home to an unsupervised house, often made my own dinner, sometimes tucked myself in to bed, then woke up to do it all again. But even when my family was home or I was with friends, I felt alone.

Because survival was not enough. Just getting home before dark can’t be the standard.

There was abuse by caregivers outside my home. There was bullying at school and in my friend groups. There was mental and emotional manipulation by people who were supposed to care for me and teach me. There were absentee parents and emotional distance and abandonment issues.

And there was a lot of time alone for me to internalize every experience, every feeling, every story.

Our brains need to close loops. We need conclusions and resolutions. Even as children, we need a story to tell ourselves about the events that happen. Especially as children, we don't have the mental capacity to factor in forces outside of our immediate experience. If we don't have mature, stable, attentive adults to help process the events and the feelings that result, the loop gets closed with conclusions like "I cried, and he was frustrated, so I should not cry anymore." or "I was born, then she left. She left because of me, so I need to be perfect."

Never mind that his frustration was not caused by my crying, or that she believed her own untrue stories long before I was conceived.

Adults should have protected me. They should have given me the tools to be a mentally and emotionally mature human. I fully resent that they didn't.

My story could end there.

I could hold the anger and confusion. I could continue to believe the stories I wrote when I was too immature to reason.

I could continue to let those stories show up in the rooms where I feel unappreciated, and in the relationships that I wish were more supportive.  I could continue to over-work and over-prove and over-compensate in my career.

I could continue to bend my boundaries and manage the emotions of others. I could keep pushing for perfection to prove I'm worthy and not disposable.

Or… I can realize that the adults in my life were fallible and imperfect.  They were exhausted and ill-equipped and in survival mode themselves.

I can realize, I'm the adult now and I have a choice; keep believing those old stories, or revise the endings.

When that little girl I was begins to tell a familiar story, I can ask her why she believes it and offer her a new chapter.

I can be who I needed when I was younger.

And so can you.

What stories do you tell yourself about who you are?

The ending is not final.

Read it again and choose your own adventure.

Are you writing a new chapter?  If you’re a member of RSP, you’re in the right place.  Here’s a reminder that support, encouragement, and perspective are only a conversation away.

About the Author

Donella Olson is a designer, builder, and founder of Two Island Design Build, providing Concierge Home Remodeling in the Minneapolis area. With more than a quarter-century of experience, she brings a thoughtful, intentional, relationship-first approach to creating new spaces through a process where people feel cared for and confident. Donella believes our inner foundations matter as much as the ones under our homes, and she leads her life and business with that philosophy at the center.